when push comes to shove.

this is seriously one of the hardest times of my life. my heart has been ripped out of me stomped into the sidewalk, ground up in a blender, and baked at 400 degrees and put back into my chest. needless to say, i'm hurting. a part of me will always love andrew, and he knows that. and i dont really feel like telling the whole story, but i will say that if i didnt have friends like carah, amanda, courtney and miranda i would be so lost right now its not even funny. miranda made me make a list of the pros and cons of the situation, there are more pros, it just doesnt feel like that way yet. i know it will, but i want it to be now instead of later. i still feel like we're meant to be together and if we are he will figure it out and if not then, hopefully i can eventually pull myself together and move on. anyways, courtney being the amazing person she is, recorded my anthem for right now....stand by rascal flatts, and here's the video. thanks courtney, i love you

fuck. you. asshead.

done. done done done. thats right, andrew brown has ignored me for a month so he didnt have to tell me that he has been seeing someone else. i. hate. life. for real. laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. fuck all of you for right now. not even avril can fix this.

you dont need to hang out with me, you need to get LAID.

hahahaha. ahh my musician friend tyler, hes a silly goose! we had actually had plans to go to a show tomorrow night but because of the time of the "date" things conflicted. i told tyler i was still gonna go to the show, but he refused. let me reinact this fine, worthwhile, valuable, educational conversation.

Killian: "i have a date tomorrow. is the show gonna be done by 10?"

Tyler: "no we werent gonna like arrive there until 10, why?"

K: "well you see, i have a "date" with my best friends exboyfriend" *sidebar: i KNOW i am a complete asshole okay blogland? leave me alone!*

T: "what, you're getting laid? heck yes! bout time!"

K: "umm no tyler, he has a kid, and he dated my best friend for a YEAR, i cant do that....i'm just gonna skip the whole thing and go to the show with you and neshelly"

T: um, no. you are going on the date, and you are getting laid. FUCK. THE. SHIT. OUT. OF. HIM."

K: "tyler..."

T: this conversation is over, i have said my piece and as your life coach you WILL do what i say. goodbye."

*end of conversation*

so...i havent exactly decided if this is hilarious or incredibly strange. maybe...strangley hilarious? is that a good combination? i dont know. weird

POBS

oh my...

so apparently i have a date. not with andrew. with my best friends ex boyfriend. tell me how weird THAT is. umm okay so she dated him our junior year of high school and he liked me the whole time. gross.

and the girl he cheated on my friend with, he got her pregnant and now he has a kid. there are so many reasons i could never be with him. unfortunately, he is one of the most attractive guys i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. we share the same sense of humor, and always have. but hes unreliable, works all the time, has a kid, dated my friend, and has no educational future such as college....so hes just not a good idea to even try that.

so this is the part where you ask, "so...why are you going on a date with him?"

let me tell ya. like i said, hes unreliable. so me agreeing to the date is mostly me expecting him to not even show...which happened last time we made plans to go on a "date" when he was going to be in "Bismarck"...ummm so blogland, this is the part where if anyone besides courtney reads my blogs, you should probably all reassure me on how stupid i am. go ahead, do your worst damage. i can take it...i live with satan! haha

POBS

one night, and one mores time, thanks for the memories. even tho they weren't that great.

i bought the new fall out boy cd. it's amazing. this is quickly becoming one of my faves. i am relating it to the shit storm of my relationship, or lack-thereof with mr. brown. its basically sayin hey, its been fun but not THAT fun and i kinda found someone better. even tho i havent found someone better it gives me hope, and i am absolutely head over heels for him but i dont have forever, i wish i did cuz i would wait forever for him to come around. but in all reality, with the stopping of the lies i argue over in my own head, i dont with all of me think he will ever say "i cant live without you". for real tho, he has left me a comment on my myspace ONCE in the last three weeks, and a comment on myspace means nothing because we used to have hour long (minimal) conversations on the phone almost every night. and for real, i am 20 years old, MY BOOBS ARE GONNA START SAGGING SOON! well okay not soon but you get it. anyways...read the words, or better yet buy the cd, its sooooooooooooooo good! ok POBS

"Thnks Fr Th Mmrs"

I'm gonna make you bend and break
(It sends you to me without wait)
Say a prayer but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show
(Let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
It's always cloudy except for (except for)
When you look into the past (look into the past)
One night stand (one night stand off)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers
Get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away from getting you into the mood, whoa

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

One night and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

completely unreliable.

so remember that time i said i was gonna blog every day? i lied. big time.

i still love you tho oh mighty blogland.

i want more people than courtney sue to read my blog (not that i dont love you! muah!)

how can i do that? well courtney gave me some ideas but i dunno. in all honesty i want someone to read my stuff and be like HEY i will pay you a lot of money to just sit on your ass all day and BLOG. but i'm not that funny, or smart...or much of anything i guess. but if people can be youtube stars, i can be a blogstar...right? hmmm

do you realize that its 4:30 am? because it is. i should most definitely be in B-E-D. but of course i'm not.

i want someone to love me, to be head over heels incredibly and uncontrollably in love with me. i want to be married, and have kids, and just be a stay at home mom and cook supper and clean house and get glue and paint all over my clothes and clean up spilled juice and chocolate milk. i. am. so. lame. and yeah i know it. dont worry.

it seems that all that is going on lately is drama and i dont like it, i kinda just wanna go away...i dont mean to another town, i mean to another country, i wanna leave the country....go to england, or ireland...i dont know...

ok anyways time for bed! POBS.

ello blogland

hey, long time no see. i know, we have been having little flirtations here and there, but i just wasnt ready for anything serious. until now. sometimes you just gotta buckle down and get serious. so this is me announcing that i am going to TRY to blog everyday, even if i have nothing to write about. why? because i can SO BACK OFF!

so to recap my week thus far....i went H-O-M-E. ahhh *giant sigh of relief* hooooooooooome. no matter how much life sucks, i always have home, i love home. its such a nice word. home.

anyways, i got to spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew. they are literally my world at home. i LOVE them...they are fun, full of life, and its amazing how little kids can love you no matter how much you suck at life.

oh yeah, and my dad had some sort of neck surgery. that was scary, there were a lot of risks involved, including him dying. but hes okay, thank God. its not like he was deathly ill but when things like this happen it makes you realize what really matters to you. my family is my family, they arent always my favorite people but i have unconditional love for all of them.

my grandma makes me want to cry every time i go home. not because shes like mean to me, its just, my grandma is old, and shes not gonna be around forever, and it just seems like every time i go home theres something new that just makes her mortality more real. this time when i went home she had a cane, my grandmas is the hardest working woman i have ever met and i can only hope to lead a life as fulfilling as hers, but shes frail, and i dont like it and thinking about her leaving makes me really sad. i love her! yeah sad

anyways pobs

obligatory psychotic jackass

that has nothing to do with what i'm writing, i just more or less wanted to get your attention. now that i have it, i have nothing to keep you here, just hopes of you feeling sorry for me and staying.

sometimes...i wish i was a schizo...TIME OUT let me explain. i would either have an excuse to be as weird as i am or i would be institutionalized and i wouldnt have to work or pay for things and i would have some sweet highclass meds. i'm not like a drug addict or anything. swear. and that sweet padded room. who doesnt want to live in a room made out of pillows? if you dont then you are crazy...or not crazy, i dont know. anyways, not like a real wish or anything. its just me ya know having all the time in the world to think because my job is soooooo boring when there isnt any customers. thats kind of a whole nother blog and no one wants to hear about my lame job anyway, other then i make quite a bit of money, which is nice, but it all goes to bills anyway. ahh, the vicious circle that is coporate america. dont worry, i'm not one of those fuck the coporate world people or anything i just think that bills kinda suck sometimes. but i definitely dont want this place to turn into china...communism=not cool.

did you know that more people are killed every year during donkey rides than plane crashes? it makes me feel a lot better about planes, but not so safe about asses. but then again, who are these crazy people who RIDE DONKEYS. oh, hey, there is a kicking, stubborn animal...LET'S SADDLE UP. lame.

in other news, viet nam came to visit me the other morning. if you dont know what i am referencing when i say viet nam then you suck. hard. anyway here i am in my bathroom dealing wtih viet nam. and i realize that this is the first official viet nam visit in a long time. it hasnt been normal lately and this time it was. thank goodness. sorry to gross you all out, but um yeah i had to tell someone that as a result of me being less stressed my body is normal again. except for the weight thing, that is next on the agenda.

who wants to buy me an elliptical? c'mon i know you're dying to. its just a measely 800 bucks. better yet, TAKE ALL UNHEALTHY FOOD AWAY FROM ME. all i want is to be in front of people and not feel like all they are thinking is damn, some lean cuisine wouldnt hurt much. blech. i know i'm not like morbidly obese, but umm, how long before i am ya know? it almost makes me not want to have kids because i am going to blow up like a blimp...i know it. anyway...i am gonna go i think cuz i'm pretty sure if anyone besides courtney reads this they are sufficiently creeped out. a lot.

bow-chicka-bow bow.

yeah i just titled my blog with classic cliche porn music. dont hate. or do, i dont care. anyway...i went to the eye doctor today, i say eye doctor cuz op-tom-et-ree is too much to say, even tho i just did. completely contradictory. anyway apparently my eyesight is BETTER then it used to be...who would have guessed, not me so i ordered some new glasses (remember the fake sexy hot librarian ones? yeah they look pretty similar to those...H-O-T-T hot)

sooo, lets talk more about me because i am feeling particularly vain today. most days i dont even like facing the mirror, today i did and it was fun. and OOOH! i saw that guy that i went on the horrible date with today. he was in jcpenney, umm HELLO, if someone like HIM is shopping there, he is definitely a poser. lame. like i should be talking, skull shirts, skull leggings, and etnies. pah-leeze killian. but i'm still a-w-e-s-o-m-e AWESOME! haha there is a lot of spelling going on here. whtev.

i have to go to fargo for training on the 19 and 20, and i am going to hang out with andrew (yay!) and courtney (DOUBLE yay!) and my brother (eh, hes's okay) anyways it should be good. i need to get out of bismarck, i havent left since i was home for christmas break. not like THAT was all so spectacular or anything but yeah.

and hello, can we talk about my picture? cuz its fly, supa-fly.

i have a new obsession...Prince. yeah, thats the artist. i just want your extra time and your duh duh duh duh duh KISS. hot. hes so feminine but hes freakin cool. aaah i'm workin, workin up a black sweat, ahhh workin, workin up a black sweat.

OOOH AND MY FAVE!!!! heres the lyrics for darling nikki, possibly the dirtiest song of all times.

(kind of fitting since i started this blog with the porn song)

I knew a girl named Nikki

I guess u could say she was a sex fiend

I met her in a hotel lobby

Masturbating with a magazine

She said how'd u like 2 waste some time

And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind

She took me 2 her castle

And I just couldn't believe my eyes

She had so many devices

Everything that money could buy

She said sign your name on the dotted line

The lights went out

And Nikki started 2 grind

Nikki

The castle started spinning

Or maybe it was my brain

I can't tell u what she did 2 me

But my body will never be the same

Her lovin' will kick your behind

Oh, she'll show u no mercy

But she'll sho'nuff sho'nuff show u how 2 grind

Darlin' Nikki

Woke up the next morning

Nikki wasn't thereI looked all over and all I found

Was a phone number on the stairs

It said thank u 4 a funky time

Call me up whenever u want 2 grind

Oh, Nikki, ohhhh

Come back Nikki, come back

Your dirty little Prince

Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind

hell yeah, i'm the motherf*ckin princess.

soooooo (sorry in advance courtney) I LOVE AVRIL LAVIGNE. i have been basically obsessed since her first album. shes possibly my favorite artist ever, not necessarily because she is the most amazing singer or anything (cuz we all know thats courtney sue) but her songs have such truth and meaning behind them that make them personal to her, but she somehow makes them easy to relate to. her music has helped me through break ups, death of friends, but also helped me be okay with being who i am. so cheesey i know, but its the truth. her new song, at first doesnt seem like her type of style but the more i listen to it i realize it IS her, its just more upbeat, i mean hello, she is being a demanding bizzo and telling this guy to tell his girlfriend to eff off cuz she can "do it better" and who else declares themselves not only precious and and a princess but saying they are "damn precious" and "motherf*cking princess"???? AVRIL, THATS WHO!!!! and at the same time she is telling this guy to tell his lame girlfriend to eff off, she insults the guy she likes!!! thats badass "shes so stupid what the hell were you thinkin?" anyways, this pic really doesnt convey any of my feelings at the present moment, i just like it for some reason. the way my eyes look i think. hmm anyways thats all i got for now suckas
POBS

long time no...blog.

hi...you...no no, i havent been avoiding you. i swear, no dont say that YOU DONT MEAN THAT! oh, well...fine. fine. yeah, so i guess i'll se you later. but first!!!!!! i at least need to tell you THIS. ok the andrew thing (i am the first to admit) is so up and down and bipolar that almost no one can understand and even i have troubles most of the time. anyways, we are once again, back to where we were. dating only not. still frustrating, but heres me saying "i'll take what i can get" and yeah, i am a stupid stupid girl who isnt trying to do better because she is somehow after all shit hopelessly, and possibly endlessly, in love with the craphead, yeah i said the word, i always avoid it but i didnt this time. anyways, yes I AM COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY FUCKED UP. and i know it. and the situation is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY FUCKED UP. and i know it. the whole world knows it. the cat sleeping next to me knows it. and let me tell you hes a dumb fuckin cat.

okay thats all, i know i know, you have to go, and you are never going to talk to me again and you hate my life. i'm sorry its been so long. please, dont give up on me, baby.

POBS

thank you very much...

yeah, so, i didnt do a whole lotta 'splainin on the last one. let me reiterate what i told courtney a few minutes ago. ok, we're just friends for real now, there is no more visiting eachother cuz we miss one another and there was probably never going to be dating and we are both just done and i am not all that sad about it i know i love him, but i've had enough time in the last month or so to accept it and i'm okay with it. and the real sick part is that i'm not sad, its like i'm being logical instead of emotional. what kind of girl am i? is it weird i would rather be sad about it? harumph, anyways i think that this little shedaisy ditty below is my theme song right now. enjoy kiddies! POBS

don't worry 'bout a thing!

Ever been misunderstood, misused, or misled
Ever knocked on the sky and had it fall on your head
well, don't worry 'bout it, don't worry
Ever lost your luggage, your marbles, your house
Or found yourself in bed with Uncle Sam or Mickey Mouse
Ever been accused of murder on Music Row
Or caught in morning traffic when you really gotta go - Oh no!

[Chorus]

Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing
Ever sat yourself down when the seat is all wet
Or see your "ex" sucking face with a little brunette
Don't worry 'bout it, no don't worry
Ever lost your religion, ever lost yourbest friend
Or found your last record in the bargain bin
Or been stuck in a divorce like crazy glue
Or scraped someone else's gum off the bottom of your shoe - Boo hoo!

[Repeat Chorus]

(Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah - Blah, Blah,Blah, Blah, Blah, - Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah)
Don't worry, don't worry

[Bridge:]

We all got a little junk in the trunk
And when you're feelin' good as sunk
Remember, everything will be just fine
If I laugh at yours then you'll laugh at mine

[Repeat Chorus 2x]

(Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah - Blah, Blah,Blah, Blah, Blah, - Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah)
Don't worry, don't worry
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings

Don't worry 'bout a thing

(thank you very much)

dun-zo

andrew and me that is. completely and officially. and yeah i'm wearing lipstick. shut up.

yeah, it's been awhile.

and i still got nothin....NOTHIN BUT LOVE FOR ALL YOU KIDS. but really, i dont have anything to talk about. i'm tired. i have to work in the morning. you. are. awesome. i want my guitar. i want to PLAY guitar. my job is videos and learning how to run check out tills. it has become my life, and i kinda want my life back. the life where i had money and i could like, hang out with my friends like a normal person. i love veronica mars and gilmore girls. lorelai should have NEVER married chris. and she did. gross. i want her to be with luke. ya know, for her upbringing, lorelai is a little bit white trash, but i am a fan of white trash in this case. i hope veronica mars is good. i love dvr. its fun. andrew hates me. i'm pretty sure what even could have been is completely gone. he's a hater. i dislike haters. argh. i'ma go.

POBS

god damnit leroy, god damnit.

this, is effing hilarious. you must watch it. if you know ANYONE who plays world of warcraft you are going to love it. or if you just like hearing people yell leroy jenkins. thats all i have for you today. watch it. LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROYYYYYYYYYYYYY JENKINNNNNNNNNNNNS

who i turn to when i cant take it any longer.

this blog is going to possibly one of the only truly heartfelt blogs i ever write. you are all lucky that i am feeling bold enough to post this on the internet for the world to see.

I finally got a job yesterday, and you know why i got a job? because i prayed for help from God. say what you will, but prayer works, even if you dont get the answer you want, it works. i was in the shower, thinking seriously about moving home, living with my parents, getting a dead end job, and eventually be stuck in the claws of my small hometown and not able to leave. i asked God for help, i told him that i really needed to know where i need to be, i need to know what the right move is. I went to the mall a few hours later and while filling out an application and JCPenny, was asked by a manager if i wanted to interview immediately after. of course i said yes, so i interviewed and they practically handed me a position. i have been absolutely beaming ever since. the days preceeding this were the hardest days of my life. do you know what its like to feel like you are in such a bad place that you wonder what it was like if you were just dead? i do. i'm not saying i'm suicidal, because i'm not, i think suicide is a selfish act, and i never once thought of ways i could end my life, but i did think about how much easier everyones life might be if i wasnt in it. I know now that i am a worthwhile person and that even though i am in a tight spot and not sure if there is a light at the end of it all, i am going to be okay. i am going to be just fine.

oh and another thing. one of my friends from home got in a car accident last weekend, a bad one. he was hit head on by a drunk driver and he and his girlfriend are in critical condition. he has brainstem damage, a collapsed lung, both his legs and his arms are broken. his girlfriend isnt in much better shape. could you please pray for them? i havent hung out with him in a long time and i feel super guilty about it. i dont want the last time i see him to be in a casket. please please please pray for him and his girlfriend.

POBS

guitars, cadillacs, and MY kind of music :)

guess. what. my friend toby (who is either very gay or very in love with me) is buying me a guitar, not a fancy one or anything. but he said to consider it my late christmas/birthday present! hello. he. is. amazing. and again, i would just like to reiterate how hot i look with a guitar. bitches.

POBS

i'm waiting!

this, my friends, is tyler. tyler was letting me play his $2500 guitar. well, strum it. and say what you will but knowing the only three chords used in wild thing is a big accomplishment in my world. that is tyler giving me the "i'm waiting" look. i never did do anything that spectacular. the other girl in the picture is my friend miranda. shes a great great great person. she can make you laugh on your worst day. i love both these people.

anyways i dont have much to say today other then if i fill out one more application i will have carpel tunnel. plan. and. simple. but dont i look hot with a guitar? okay that wasnt my most glamorous day. but i think i could look hot with a guitar if need be. some girls use looks and cute little quirks, I WILL LURE YOU IN WITH MY MUSIC...eventually. aww the music. i want to learn soooooo bad. so. bad. i would so become a freakin punk poser if i had the guitar skills. argh. i want the skills now! ok i am gonna go....

POBS

guitars,moulin rouge, and connie and carla. oh and the most adorable picture of me and courtney. ever.

number 1. i am going to watch moulin rouge immediately after posting this because i am the sparkling diamond. deal with it. and who doesnt love a musical montage of songs about love? especially when they throw the beatles in it. hello? admittedly, i didnt like it the first time i watched it, i felt like i needed to be intoxicated or high on somethin other than life to like it. but then i watched it a few more times. and lets just say, WHO KNEW THAT EWAN MCGREGOR AND NICOLE KIDMAN COULD SING! and ewan, ahhhh ewan, as i told courtney, he is sex on a big ol' movie-like stick. and i am completely okay with it.

number 2. have you ever seen connie and carla? it. is. effing. hilarious. its about two girls that see their boss get murdered so they move to like LA or somewhere and start a dinner theater with a bunch of drag queens. it is one of the cheesiest movies ever. but cheese is delicious, and you better remember that.

number 3. i know there has been multiple posts by both me and courtney about the fantastical weekend that was *BISMARCK* but it was just that good. i need to become musical so that when courtney and boy wonder rock out, i can be a part of it rather then sit there like a lame duck and tape it, i mean it does need to get taped somehow, but that chimp i bought today should be able to handle those duties. that brings me to the 4th and possibly best part of my post.

number 4. my friend tyler who is a musician plays amazing guitar. and he does lessons for people every once in a while. he charges most people 50 bucks an hour, but since i am fantastic and super special i get his services FREE. thats right, i get to become a 20 year old prodigy (dont worry that IS a joke haha) for FREE. i. am. so. excited. i need a guitar before we start tho, and that means spending money i probably shouldnt. BUT, today i was in the mart of k (k mart for those who dont speak excited keek) and they had a piddily little guitar for 50 bucks, and yes i am well aware that it is possibly the crappiest guitar ever in life but its a good starter right? i am so excited you dont even know, if you ask courtney she will tell you i have been talking about playing an instrument FOR-EV-ER so that i can be musical because i love music so much i want to be able to do it and participate and not just listen to it. because well shes amazing, boy wonder is just that, and tyler is possibly one of the most talented guitar players i have ever heard. even if he is a poser punk (hehe). okay well thats all for now

POBS

just wanted to share.

hahahaha, me and courtney made this one night...i personally think its hilarious. hope you like.