when push comes to shove.

this is seriously one of the hardest times of my life. my heart has been ripped out of me stomped into the sidewalk, ground up in a blender, and baked at 400 degrees and put back into my chest. needless to say, i'm hurting. a part of me will always love andrew, and he knows that. and i dont really feel like telling the whole story, but i will say that if i didnt have friends like carah, amanda, courtney and miranda i would be so lost right now its not even funny. miranda made me make a list of the pros and cons of the situation, there are more pros, it just doesnt feel like that way yet. i know it will, but i want it to be now instead of later. i still feel like we're meant to be together and if we are he will figure it out and if not then, hopefully i can eventually pull myself together and move on. anyways, courtney being the amazing person she is, recorded my anthem for right now....stand by rascal flatts, and here's the video. thanks courtney, i love you

fuck. you. asshead.

done. done done done. thats right, andrew brown has ignored me for a month so he didnt have to tell me that he has been seeing someone else. i. hate. life. for real. laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. fuck all of you for right now. not even avril can fix this.

you dont need to hang out with me, you need to get LAID.

hahahaha. ahh my musician friend tyler, hes a silly goose! we had actually had plans to go to a show tomorrow night but because of the time of the "date" things conflicted. i told tyler i was still gonna go to the show, but he refused. let me reinact this fine, worthwhile, valuable, educational conversation.

Killian: "i have a date tomorrow. is the show gonna be done by 10?"

Tyler: "no we werent gonna like arrive there until 10, why?"

K: "well you see, i have a "date" with my best friends exboyfriend" *sidebar: i KNOW i am a complete asshole okay blogland? leave me alone!*

T: "what, you're getting laid? heck yes! bout time!"

K: "umm no tyler, he has a kid, and he dated my best friend for a YEAR, i cant do that....i'm just gonna skip the whole thing and go to the show with you and neshelly"

T: um, no. you are going on the date, and you are getting laid. FUCK. THE. SHIT. OUT. OF. HIM."

K: "tyler..."

T: this conversation is over, i have said my piece and as your life coach you WILL do what i say. goodbye."

*end of conversation*

so...i havent exactly decided if this is hilarious or incredibly strange. maybe...strangley hilarious? is that a good combination? i dont know. weird

POBS

oh my...

so apparently i have a date. not with andrew. with my best friends ex boyfriend. tell me how weird THAT is. umm okay so she dated him our junior year of high school and he liked me the whole time. gross.

and the girl he cheated on my friend with, he got her pregnant and now he has a kid. there are so many reasons i could never be with him. unfortunately, he is one of the most attractive guys i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. we share the same sense of humor, and always have. but hes unreliable, works all the time, has a kid, dated my friend, and has no educational future such as college....so hes just not a good idea to even try that.

so this is the part where you ask, "so...why are you going on a date with him?"

let me tell ya. like i said, hes unreliable. so me agreeing to the date is mostly me expecting him to not even show...which happened last time we made plans to go on a "date" when he was going to be in "Bismarck"...ummm so blogland, this is the part where if anyone besides courtney reads my blogs, you should probably all reassure me on how stupid i am. go ahead, do your worst damage. i can take it...i live with satan! haha

POBS

one night, and one mores time, thanks for the memories. even tho they weren't that great.

i bought the new fall out boy cd. it's amazing. this is quickly becoming one of my faves. i am relating it to the shit storm of my relationship, or lack-thereof with mr. brown. its basically sayin hey, its been fun but not THAT fun and i kinda found someone better. even tho i havent found someone better it gives me hope, and i am absolutely head over heels for him but i dont have forever, i wish i did cuz i would wait forever for him to come around. but in all reality, with the stopping of the lies i argue over in my own head, i dont with all of me think he will ever say "i cant live without you". for real tho, he has left me a comment on my myspace ONCE in the last three weeks, and a comment on myspace means nothing because we used to have hour long (minimal) conversations on the phone almost every night. and for real, i am 20 years old, MY BOOBS ARE GONNA START SAGGING SOON! well okay not soon but you get it. anyways...read the words, or better yet buy the cd, its sooooooooooooooo good! ok POBS

"Thnks Fr Th Mmrs"

I'm gonna make you bend and break
(It sends you to me without wait)
Say a prayer but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show
(Let the good times roll, let the good times roll)
And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
It's always cloudy except for (except for)
When you look into the past (look into the past)
One night stand (one night stand off)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers
Get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away from getting you into the mood, whoa

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

One night and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories
even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you only sweeter"
One night, yeah, and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"

completely unreliable.

so remember that time i said i was gonna blog every day? i lied. big time.

i still love you tho oh mighty blogland.

i want more people than courtney sue to read my blog (not that i dont love you! muah!)

how can i do that? well courtney gave me some ideas but i dunno. in all honesty i want someone to read my stuff and be like HEY i will pay you a lot of money to just sit on your ass all day and BLOG. but i'm not that funny, or smart...or much of anything i guess. but if people can be youtube stars, i can be a blogstar...right? hmmm

do you realize that its 4:30 am? because it is. i should most definitely be in B-E-D. but of course i'm not.

i want someone to love me, to be head over heels incredibly and uncontrollably in love with me. i want to be married, and have kids, and just be a stay at home mom and cook supper and clean house and get glue and paint all over my clothes and clean up spilled juice and chocolate milk. i. am. so. lame. and yeah i know it. dont worry.

it seems that all that is going on lately is drama and i dont like it, i kinda just wanna go away...i dont mean to another town, i mean to another country, i wanna leave the country....go to england, or ireland...i dont know...

ok anyways time for bed! POBS.

ello blogland

hey, long time no see. i know, we have been having little flirtations here and there, but i just wasnt ready for anything serious. until now. sometimes you just gotta buckle down and get serious. so this is me announcing that i am going to TRY to blog everyday, even if i have nothing to write about. why? because i can SO BACK OFF!

so to recap my week thus far....i went H-O-M-E. ahhh *giant sigh of relief* hooooooooooome. no matter how much life sucks, i always have home, i love home. its such a nice word. home.

anyways, i got to spend a lot of time with my niece and nephew. they are literally my world at home. i LOVE them...they are fun, full of life, and its amazing how little kids can love you no matter how much you suck at life.

oh yeah, and my dad had some sort of neck surgery. that was scary, there were a lot of risks involved, including him dying. but hes okay, thank God. its not like he was deathly ill but when things like this happen it makes you realize what really matters to you. my family is my family, they arent always my favorite people but i have unconditional love for all of them.

my grandma makes me want to cry every time i go home. not because shes like mean to me, its just, my grandma is old, and shes not gonna be around forever, and it just seems like every time i go home theres something new that just makes her mortality more real. this time when i went home she had a cane, my grandmas is the hardest working woman i have ever met and i can only hope to lead a life as fulfilling as hers, but shes frail, and i dont like it and thinking about her leaving makes me really sad. i love her! yeah sad

anyways pobs